Being a model comes with many novel experiences. A commodity amongst common folk, the attention is new and the status is odd. As I navigated my way through my first year of modeling after leading a relatively unassuming lifestyle prior, I realized just how malleable the rules are. Such malleability is not reserved for people on this walk of life, though. If attention is what you want, you don’t need a modeling agency to vouch for your ability to get it.
When I first arrived in Paris, the last thing on my mind was the social schmoozing aspect of French nightlife. I was focused, determined to make lemonade out of this sweet and juicy lemon given to me on a platter. My attitude would change after a good whittling down of my spirits was complete.
When days turned to miserable “nothing is happening” weeks, only then did I test-drive club spaces pulsating with heavy house music and champagne. Only then did I yearn for outside validation post-sunset after the slew of rejection I faced on a daily basis. Turns out when you seek validation, you can find people to oblige you pretty easily.
Hell, you can even turn attention-whoring into an art-form. Here’s how.
1. Dress Weird, Especially at Clubs
My time in Paris was made the most memorable thanks to the cluelessly packed suitcase that accompanied me overseas. When putting it together the morning of my departure, I did little to plan much of anything. Some pants, a long scarf for the cold and one shit-brown dress my mom impulse-bought me was the summation of my 3-month Parisian wardrobe.
Some may consider this a nightmare for an aspiring fashion model like myself. Those that do are wrong.
Nothing catches attention more than seeing people over and over in the same outfit. Especially when that outfit has the sex-appeal equivalent to a mormon teenager. Something about haphazardly thrown together pant and shirt combos really sits well in the minds of foreign dudes. They think it’s “quirky” which, if you glance around at culture today, is very on trend.
I usually wore either that dress I alluded to before with disturbing earrings to match or a utilitarian jumpsuit I bought years ago from a fast-fashion brand. Covering up all erogenous zones is key.
To complement a poorly assembled outfit, leave the hair untouched. Maybe swipe a brush through it once or twice but wild hair equals wild soul. Pair that with clumps of mascara on the lash and you’re working with something very compelling. I advise not going much further than this. A good makeup job can spell trouble for your Jackson Pollock allure. Even the mascara is pushing that bill.
Once the look is fully assembled, it must be used to its full potential. Remember, this is only the first-impression phase of fishing. Step two requires dedication.
2. Dance All of the Time, but Poorly
Clubs are the most common watering holes for thirsty scoundrels, let’s be real. The atmosphere hosts scenarios perfectly suited for ogling women under the cover of darkness and “oohing” and “ahhing” with the soundproofing of loud bass. Most successful attempts at reeling in suitors will occur in these locations, but this technique is not limited to them. When I say dance all of the time, I mean it.
Dancing is a mating ritual given to us by our ancestral folk and was first used to initiate sexy times. Gyrations of hips, casual swaying of shoulders with the hair in front of the face, it all reads the same to onlookers.
Keep in mind we are not trying to become some dude’s next meal. Oh, no. We are here to confuse and to conquer.
With your odd choice of clothing, your untamed mane and lack of contour, it is time to bust a move. (Note: I learned all of my moves from the Wii title “Just Dance 2” and use many of them to this day, imaginary wii remote and all. I highly recommend revisiting the game for inspiration if needed.)
Word of advice, make all of your moves asymmetrical and unpredictable. Do not resort to hot girl bopping. This is not your niche to fill.
Trust me when I say that random moves in succession will garner you not only attention but intrigue. Some folks could make the wild claim that they find your mannerisms sexy. Reply to this with caution, or, ideally, ignore them altogether. The importance of dancing alone is integral to captivating a wide audience.
Even if they are laughing at you, you are the focal point. This is power.
When taking this outside of club settings, have a song in mind whenever accompanied by interested parties. Hopping around without musical cue is a great way to stir the mystery pot. Being a clumsy fuck also works wonders. If you can manage a trip or a crippling tumble in public settings, bonus points. Having two left feet really plays well into that quirkiness aspect we are trying to nurse.
The general takeaway from this rule is to be unpredictable. Movement is the easiest way to portray unpredictability and thus is one I oft defer to. Plus, dancing is fun. The more excuses to flail limbs the better.
3. Hold Extremely Long Eye Contact
Perhaps the most important physical cue in this list is eye contact. Not just casual eye contact, mind. I am talking the most intense, probing into the soul eye contact you can muster. Eyes are the windows of others’ worlds and looking into those worlds with the intensity of a thousand burning suns can melt individuals caught in the crosshairs.
I like the dipped chin, look-up from the brow maneuver. The eyes gain a lot of piercing power when angled as such. But, be warned, pulling this on an unsuspecting soul may illicit uncontrollable seizure. Men (or women, the eyes trick works universally) tend to melt from the pressure of such a gaze.
If you couple this shit with the dancing described above, don’t be surprised when someone pulls you aside to anxiously whisper in your ear about how confusingly sexy you are.
Depth of eye contact should never waver. Even if the person of interest is droning on about what they ate yesterday, will your pupils into their own until they stutter. Feel free to drop weird and barely related tidbits of childhood history into the conversation as well. Hinting at your quirky elementary school days lends integrity to your persona.
Again, always try to look up from a downturned face. Like rays of sun hitting a mirror, nail that angle just right and you’re burning hot. An upturned corner of the mouth, whichever side is preferred, is a good cherry on top.
This may seem like you are giving far too many signs of interest to whomever is ensnared in your quirky sexy trap. Fear not, for the next step is here to help alleviate any sort of body language misinterpretation.
4. Genuinely Do Not Notice the Signs
Playing ignorance is imperative to selling the illusion of your innocence and, thus, your allure. Obliviousness means the individuals who believe themselves to be setting up for a capture can get very close to doing so without actually initiating any intimacy. They can swim through the trenches of your complexity, admiring the secret nooks and crannies hidden there without feeling overtly awkward if it’s prefaced with a rejected peck on the kisser.
Avoiding romantic gestures will be difficult at first but the dance becomes easier when you filter your charmed targets through a “merely friends” lens. Give no signs of romantic interest aside from what I’ve touched on previously. Doing so allows you to exist in this sort of friendship-relationship limbo.
Be warned, this is not a place of permanence. As soon as you find yourself in this situation, the clock begins its descent to zero. Tension has a knack for rising, especially in limbo. Continue on with this dance cautiously and with no more than one poor soul at a time. Anyways.
Alluding to sex is ok if it is done coyly and as little more than light banter. Careful, though. Anything sexual will make that metaphorical clock tick quicker so play with the topic sparingly. Pepper it in to cute discussions about your quirky obsessions like true crime and serial killers.
Once the allotted time finishes its spiral down into obsolescence, you must prepare the final stick to these poor souls. As soon as you see the beginnings of a real push for more than friendship, it is go time.
Want to make sure you impact their lives forever with your quirkisms and weird sexiness? Buckle up.
The fifth and final step seals your fate as a character in their narratives for the long haul.
5. Write Dramatic Letters of Farewell
If you manage to rope someone along to this stage, congratulations! You, too, are a relationship sociopath. Welcome to the endgame.
This list of steps, when stopped before lesson 4, is pretty harmless. Find your mutual interest and have a ball with the whole love-story thing.
If you are a bit of a sadist and took it all the way through to step 5 then let’s wrap this up, shall we?
At this point it is safe to say that whoever is at the end of your line is hooked so securely that getting them off with a jerk is nigh impossible. Cutting this line is pretty easy to do: my favorite method is the one unique to the millennial generation termed “ghosting”. But! Before we let this go for good, we can milk a bit more fun out of this entanglement to really make our images last in the minds of our unwitting fish.
Grab a pen and some paper. Pray to the ghosts of Sylvia Plath, Emily Dickinson and whatever that guy who wrote Lolita’s name was. Take a sip of fresh air, turn on a favorite “love is dead” musical number and pour out your soul in the prettiest prose you can muster.
Using a lot of abstract metaphors and analogies, dream scenarios, and alternate-reality desires is key here. The point is to make a letter that exudes over-the-top drama whilst also delivering your real message.
That message could be “I can’t do this because of ‘blank’” or “Maybe in a different reality this would be where our love-story began” or just about any other bullshit that sends the rejection as prettily as possible. I like to take photos of them before sending them off to their destinations. Helps me hone the skill.
Once the letter is off to fulfill its task, return to that one drawer housing all of your clothes and compile another weird number.
You signed off on one, time for another.
Lather rinse repeat, baby.
Note: This work is satirical in nature. I do not advise going out and doing this intentionally. That would be really fucked up. (That is not to say I have not accidentally done exactly these things in exactly this order once or twice.)
Ha! This is hillarious and sad at the same time… unfortunately ive been that guy i think. Oh well, was my own stupid fault. Great writing!!